2008. 08. 07

  This is the annual update! LOL! Right, I know I have abandoned this site for one whole year already. Sorry about that. I was too busy that I decided to give it a long vacation. Now the vacation has ended. *laugh*

  Nah. Seriously, I am going to update this site thoroughly. Really. Make it more like a portfolio. I need one badly, after all.

  So what have I been up to? Nothing much, just some projects, exhibitions, and workshops. I am going to the NightMarket workshop on Aug 14th. Oh, and I should start to get prepared for the exams like TOEFL and GRE. My life is as dull as usual. No travelings, no changing of enviroment. I, myself, did changed a bit, though. Think that I am getting a little bit more optimistic. Which is a good thing. The past one year was such a low tide for me, that I almost cried daily at the end of June. Makes me start to wonder if I had depression or something. Although I know perfectly well what was the reason. I was getting nostalgia of the good old times of my first year in NTHU, and being revisited by the bad memories of the following years also. There is a certain degree of regrets and emotions of getting graduated. Well, not I am graduating but nearly everyone else on my class and my friends are. I take one extra year to get my minors in computer science and culture studies. What was just mushy is that I basically break down during the field course we had during early July, in the wildness. Which scared everyone and myself, too. I was really angry towards a junior even though he did nothing wrong. It was all my emotions that made me exploded. So I sort of yelled at him. Then I cried, uncontrollably. Yelling too. By heart I knew it had nothing to do with anyone there, but I just yelled. The T. A. tried to calm me down, which I did that night. But the next morning, when I went out for a walk, I started to cry again. It was an enormous solitude in the heart, then it became sobbing, then I called my mom, crying to her on the phone. I told her I felt miserable. The whole life is miserable. I was not adapted to the school back in high school, and I still don't in university. It is not the problem of classes, it is the way people work, their attitude. I knew I could do much, and I could do things just perfectly and remarkably, but the truth is I just failed in every aspect. According to my own standard. I knew I ought to do something different, but I just don't have the motivation to make it to the last. I took too much time to get myself over with others' attitude. And I just care about it so much. I couldn't move. I am stucked. I am always the one who are responsible enough to take care of everything that in return I always have to put all my strength into all the works and not getting a rest. The world is so cruel. No one care about whether I am too tired or not. Those who works hard do all the job, and those who don't just get chilling out and waiting for the work to be done. And the worst of it is that the credit goes to everyone. Nobody cares about the one who works day and night without a rest. Nobody cares. Nobody.

  My hands got trembling uncontrollably while crying. And my body got so cold and so tired. My heart felt like ice, as if I had died. I was so scared by my physical reactions that it made my hands tremble even more. Then my cellphone went out of battery and I had to go back to the dorm to charge it. It was then I got so tired and took a rest, forced myself to get some lunch.

  In the afternoon, the teacher came. He is one of the few who knew me for years, so he knew there is something wrong with me. He tried to talked to me, and tell me to think for a bit. Then my group members of the class went out looking for places that we can do our research, since our research need some modifications. A guy borrow the scooter from a classmate and went. Then he had an accident. He slipped. There was a huge wound on his leg, and blood all over him. I was totally stunned. It felts like hell. I felt like it was all my fault that they had to went out to find another research area. I kept telling myself "it was all MY fault, I should have spent more time discuss with them for alternatives instead of crying and wasting their time. Look what just happened!" I could not even breathe. Although everyone is making fun of the guy who got injured, I just cannot even smile, nor even listen. His wound was so deep that the blood just kept coming out. The teacher decided to take him off the mountain, to some local hospital. He probably noticed that I got even worse after the accident so he asked whether I would like to go with them. It was like an offer from heaven. I needed a relief badly. So I went.

  On the way off the mountain, we had some talk. Nothing about the wound nor my break down, but the teacher's research. I was so thankful to the teacher and the guy who get wounded. Their conversation really calmed me down. We stayed in the hospital for about one hour, and back. Everything had backed to normal when we got back. I was quite normal during the remaining days of the class.

  The whole experience really scared me though. Never expect I would break down. I just do not want it to happen again. Thank god, things just get better and better after I came back. Now I am back to normal, I guess. And my long-lost motivations are back too. Now I can read books as fast as I used to, even faster. :) My heart started to feel things. And I hope to keep it that way. Being optimistic.

2007. 08. 14

  Six months without update! Gosh. I have been *trying* to work on a new design, but without success. Each time I came up with a new idea, in four hours I would start to detest it. So I reckon it might be much easier for me to write here first, gaining motivation bit by bit. It is almost like trying to do math after living without math for over a month. I have been living without designing and websites for three months, and see how it become. Ah! My latest work was a contest site for the photography club. The site was alright, but I knew I could do better... well, if I kept practicing. So, work hard, girl. Stop being lazy.

  There are some technologies I want to use on the new design, not new, just that they had never been tried on this site. Here had always been more than a personal website but a playground for me. Now I want to use ActionScript along with PHP scripting to have a dual layout, one flash version, the other CSS. And maybe something more. Depends. We will see.

  By the way, a late reply for Robert: Thanks for your comment. Had you fixed your guestbook so I can sign? :P

2007. 02. 16

  Updates finally. :) The guestbook is working again. I installed the Captchas script to stop the spammers. There were some accessbility problems with Captchas, that people who cannot see/hear the images/sounds will failed the test. At first I wanted to use Akismet instead, which is more neat and friendly. Unfortunately, it mistakenly recognize all my test messages as spams. :( Oh well, at least SOME people can sign the gbook now, though I wonder who will want to sign. lol. I have been so unproductive lately.

2006. 11. 15

  "Are you still alive or not?" Yes.

  Though I had promised myself to update here repeatedly, not even once had I kept the promise. While blogs had became so popular today, as someone who had been writing blogs since 1999, I find myself feel uncomfortable to write "murmurs" on the net now. After all, who would want to read? Argh, the tricky part is that if YOU are reading this, then there's someone wanted to read. Ah. But this is not the point. It is...

  Now I feel I've been infected by the self-contradictory-addiction which also infected the protagonist of "Notes from Underground". Very well. Then it is not hard to guess the rest of this post is going to be junks since I am not as good as Dostoevsky. Continue to read then, my dear readers, if you are able to stand these junks. To tell the truth, the only reason I am tying here is that I love the sensation of having sounds echo in the brain along with the stress produced on the tip of my fingers. That's all. Simple as that.

  Or maybe I do want to share something. Maybe. Life have been so bizarre. Sometimes I thought I live in a dream, a dream that the "set" around me could change instantly if the almighty "puppet-master" behind the world suddenly wants to. Everything seems so unreal and... uniform. Every time when I walk in the campus, the passersby are always either averagely tall or averagely short. All of them wear the same style of cloth at the same time, but their cloths might abruptly changes next minute, uniformly. The street would become so quite in a snap, that no one open his nor her mouth at all. When everything became muted, the trees start to grow while my legs shrink. Oh it is so vivid. Nearly every time I encounter a novel, the characters tends to jump off the books and start a new scene of their own, that have me switching between the written lines and their second life. My brain seems out of control due to overload. Ah.

  Enough for today.

2006. 07. 09

  I've spent a whole night switching from on photo to another, trying to have a virtual tour around the world. Then, a desire of taking beautiful photos of Kaoshiung urges me to pick out a beautiful spot in Kaohsiung. Hours passed, I could not speak of one. Yes, there are special places which for some people are appealing, for example, bank of Love River, yet it is purely artificial. I wanted to find something that gains its beauty naturally, like the old towns. But no. For a while I thought it was prejudice that blinded my eyes, so I tried to search for photos of Kaoshiung on Flickr, to look at this from other's point of view. Except the shining night views of Love River and the typical view from Chi-Jing Harbor towards the city, none was found. There were some photos of night view of Kaohsiung, but they are just another combination of light dots, which can be seen in other cities as long as the sun is gone. What a disaster.

  If the same question had arose three years ago, I would have an answer. I could still remember it was a summer afternoon, I was on a bus coming back from school. The sun was just right above the mountains, setting. The sky was colorful, and the grass was so green. I could see right from the street all the way to the mountains. I could feel how wide the sky was, as if all the restriction were gone, and people could be what they really are. However, I had never seen such a beautiful scene since then. Partly because I was unable to go home before the sunset, and when I finally could, the grassland was replaced by ugly buildings, blocking the view of mountains completely. Kaohsiung was beautiful, but not anymore.

  It was quite sad to learn the fact that I live in an ugly city. It has been days I really see the sky. The sky has been cut into pieces by buildings and wires. Only if climb up the highest building can the sky be seen in one piece. But even in one piece, the sky is not clear anyway. All I could do is tried to hide from the brutal shatters of sky from one roof to another, from one room to another. Walls became my shelters of this cruel fact. As long as I am walking on the street, my eyes will be force to accept the unpleasant sights. All the beauty will remain in the memories only. :(

2006. 07. 04

  Happy summer vacation! Oh, I involuntarily suspend this site for another three months. Sorry. Heh. Will try to update these days!

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